Did that just happen?
I was worried about who I might be after all this cancer fighting and hip replacing. I thought, I'd probably be some version of my parents and muted, a fate I was not particularly excited about. However, in recent weeks, I have experienced an upsurge of life. Energy levels have not only returned to normal but they are better than they have been in 8 years. I feel extreme amounts of joy and want to write everything in CAPITAL LETTERS because I am so darn excited to have myself back! For the first time since my children were born, I actually have as much, and perhaps more, energy than they do which has proven to be a little bit troublesome because they have 8 and 10 year-old bodies while I have a 46 year-old body. It's nice that I have forgotten this very important fact but unfortunately, the muscle aches and joint pain associated with trying to do 18 year-old activities with a 46 year-old body are a little more prevalent these days and brought forth new and profound limitations.
I may have mentioned before that up to now, I haven't really gotten that "eye of the tiger" feeling where I feel like going out and pushing through my lack of fitness or muscles that have bathed in chemotherapy agents for the previous year. Well, now I have that "eye of the tiger" feeling, so I'm out running and jumping and dancing and doing situps and going to kickboxing class and martial arts class! I'm just so DARN EXCITED that every other day, I reverse the entire success of my feeling good by making myself so darn sore from all the activity that I end up giving up an entire day just to rest. Whew! It's a good thing my athletic-training friend (and former Olympian), Eva Twardokens does not live near me or she would bitch-slap me just about every other day. I'm like a new puppy. You gotta rub my nose in it a few times before I get it, and if I get distracted (SQUIRREL!), we are starting all over.
Everyday I jump out of bed, excited, energized, completely infatuated with my life and the people in it. In fact, I think I have scared one or two of them with my newfound love and zest for living. (Who is this woman we haven't seen in X years?) I've lost 15lbs, my heart rate is back to it's usual 50's and I am MOTIVATED. The difference is like night and day and the relief that I am back is intoxicating.
The best part is my sex drive is back. This old friend has been gone for quite some time and on the heels of menopause, I thought was gone for good. I was bracing for a boring and conjugal sexual relationship with my husband for the rest of my life, which sadly was not the way our relationship began. I was clearly NOT the girl he married and this was really sad for both of us. Then, one recent glorious morning, I woke up and went "ROWRRR." (Note the all capitals!!!!) This is probably the most significant sign that I am healthy although my poor husband doesn't know what hit him... Remember those people that I have scared? My husband is NOT one of them and he is making up for lost time. And after a year of hip surgery and breast cancer and all he has done to keep our family on the map....he's excited to see the girl he married reappear in his bedroom.
The worry of what my life will be like after all this is fading. Suddenly, it's not hard to make that kale smoothie or avoid that chocolate-covered Acai berry (my new weakness) because I feel good without it. My diet is easy to follow. My exercise regimen is fun and I've taken up kickboxing which allows me to kick and punch stuff. I cannot put into words the exhilaration of being able to fly at a bag and beat the crap out of it with vigor. The resulting tension release is extremely satisfying and I am working out at least a couple years' worth. You can imagine that I feel just a wee bit lighter. Again, my husband is happy to not play this part (punching bag) anymore, which is good for both of us.
The experience of survivorship has metamorphosed once again. What is interesting is today marks the one year anniversary of my last chemotherapy. It has taken exactly a year to process all the poison, the radiation, the adjuvant therapy, the new medication and perhaps the psychology of my circumstance. It's okay to live and survive and appreciate the path that got me here. I now have the energy and desire to reach out and kiss every single person who got me to this moment. So if you see me coming, get ready......the tiger is back.
