December

The spirit of Christmas is everywhere. I love this time of year. I love the music, the hot cocoa, the candy canes, the snow, the old TV shows, Christmas trees, baking cookies......ALL of it. It's December and for one month of the year, we give and receive. We reach out to those less fortunate and we spend just a little extra on the little things. I love getting dressed up in red and white, wearing my girl shoes and my holiday sparkles and holding a martini glass. 'Tis the season for Santa and pomatinis.
This year is a little different. Budgeting my energy, i have to tone it down this year. Way down. I can't pull off shopping all morning, baking holiday cookies, wrapping gifts and stuffing christmas cards into envelopes. I have a whole 'nother tote of decorations I don't have the energy to put up nor the heart to ask my overloaded husband to do it for me. I want the outdoor Christmas lights to work so badly, but the task of hooking them all up is indescribably daunting. This is the time of year to spoil the family that spoils me all year long and I haven't a shred of energy to do it. Instead, I must learn to let things go, and to look to others for help. It is such a HUGE lesson in humility for me. However, I have had an epiphane of sorts. Yes, another one....
Christmas is the season of giving. While I sit here and lament my own situation of not being able to make music CD's for all of my friends, Soccer DVD's for my daughters' soccer team(s), witty Christmas letters that make people smile, or plateloads of elaborately decorated sugar cookies, there is one thing I can give others: the gift of giving to others. I know. Sounds crazy but lately, i've noticed that we are so wrapped up in our own independence that we rob others of the opportunity to do something nice for us. For example, what do you get the 44 year-old woman who has everything? How many of us are trying to think of that special gift for someone that we want to honor this holiday season but can't come up with anything because they have it all? Most of my friends seem to be doing pretty well. They are fortunate enough to have not only the basics of food, shelter and water, but a few trinkets as well. In my minimal attempts of going shopping, I have witnessed people buying items for others just to give something but not really getting something that the other person wants. I have literally, heard people say, if they don't like it, they can bring it back and get what they want. True. Its kind of missing the point though. If a friend takes the time to get a gift for you and really puts some thought and effort into it, is it ever something you would take back? Probably not because the thought and effort they put into it is the true gift right? Someone knitted me a hat recently that isn't EXACTLY what I would wear, but the fact that she knitted it for me, with absolutely no free time of her own due to a job and two kids and the fact that she genuinely picked something that she thought I would like, makes me wear that hat everyday. I used to think that people wore things that I gave them to make ME feel good but I now believe that they wear them because it makes them feel good inside.
I've always been a terrible receiver. Feeling unworthy of such efforts, I have always felt undeserving of people going out of their way to give me something, so I feel compelled to give them something back, which prompts a frustrating attempt at trying to find something meaningful and noteworthy. I am often that person who gives a gift certificate which pretty much says, I tried and failed, unless of course it is a gift card to Peet's coffee or iTunes. Unless you are REALLY good at knowing what people want in coffee and music, these cards are sometimes the better way to go, although I will admit they are the easy way out. It's the gift that says, "I'm thinking about you. I know you like coffee but the holidays have me on the ropes and filling up your house with useless crap is not going to be my gift to you this year." I mean really, that too, is a gift. There's nothing to maintain, store or clean. However, there is nothing memorable about a cup of coffee. How long are you going to remember that grande, skinny, latte? Probably as long as it takes for you to get through an afternoon of returning unwanted holiday gifts, thankful for the extra energy. However, tomorrow's morning coffee will be the first step in forgetting that very special gift card.
Traditionally, I have been a gift retaliator. Rather than appreciate the true kindness of a gift, I worry about what to get that friend in return. This tends to be a real problem as a cancer patient. People bring us gifts everyday. The gift of food, of friendship, of companionship and in this very trying time, those are memorable gifts of time and effort. I am constantly at a loss of what I can get that friend who has given to me. I don't want to be that person who gets something just to get something or give my friend the job of taking back a gift they don't want in exchange for another.
This year, I am choosing to be gracious. With very little energy to waste and an overloaded shopping husband, I have decided to simply say "Thank You." I am really hoping that my appreciation is going to be enough, in lieu of a gift card or gift that I can't put any effort into. I'm hoping that the homemade gift i was able to muster matches whatever they are wearing this holiday season or that the Christmas cards that sucked me dry of positive energy are enough for people that get one every year. I have big plans for next year though.
Recently, a friend gave me the most memorable and incredible gift of the season: the gift of joy for my family. Each year, the El Dorado Hills Fire Department does this thing called the Santa Run. They mount a sleigh and reindeer to the top of a giant fire engine, put Santa in it and drive around the neighborhoods picking up toys and canned food for less fortunate families. This year, the incident commander invited us to ride along for an evening. Imagine my two girls, ages 7 & 9: "Okay girls, tonight we get to ride in a fire engine. Oh and by the way, Santa will be riding on top of it. You girls get to sit with Mrs. Claus and Papa gets to sit in the passenger seat with a headset and honk the horn...Want some hot cocoa and candy canes to go with that?" Yeah, two girls have never been so ecstaticly excited and my husband was happier than a tick on a fat dog letting that horn fly as we went through every intersection with full lights and sirens. The pure, unadulterated joy in both my children, my husband and the hoards of people that came out to see this spectacle was enough to push me over the edge. Whether I get to see it on a Thursday night the week before Christmas or Christmas morning, my holiday season is now complete. The gift of my family's happiness during a pretty challenging time is better than any other gift there is. With nothing to store, clean or maintain, it is the gift that gives all year.
It's not even my birthday yet.