Wacky Wednesday

It's wacky Wednesday! The day after treatment is always a fairly good day because I'm still riding a steroid high (included in my pre-chemo cocktail of meds that I refer to as my "red bull and vodka."), so I have a little more energy and lot less misery. Today is the day to get things done because "Throttled Thursday" comes quick and I am rendered useless for a good three days.

I am back in the thick of it, and settling into a routine. I can expect that Thursday, Friday and Saturday are going to suck, and I can plan accordingly. Last week, I got the triple header which on top of chemo, included the two other drugs I will get indefinitely that are specific to my brand of cancer. They have fewer side effects but even so, I have a hard time recovering from all three. It's a good thing I partied in my 20's because all of this chemical mayhem doesn't seem as scary as it probably should. Another bad night at the bar, only this hangover lasts a few days.

We are settling in with the new news of a February finish line. The holidays will go quickly, January will start with a bang and before we know it, February will be here. 99% of this is showing up. I just have to show up and do the work. Marek has made Toxic Tuesday as pleasant as possible by signing up girlfriends to drive me to San Francisco and back. It never disappoints, and I can combine a little psychological therapy with my chemical stuff. It's a big win, because riding with friends gives me some time with them that I would not get otherwise and I don't dread Tuesday as much.

I won't lie. Even with the help on all fronts, we are tired. December's scans gave us GREAT news and a ton of hope, but up until then, the stress was fairly palpable. Too many what-ifs and worst-case scenarios. The news gives us a chance to plan just a little further down the road than we thought, and that has created a collective sigh of relief. However, I will not be duped into thinking that "I've got time." Both Marek and I have shared our fear about slipping into the regular status quo of life once chemotherapy ends. We have been working and saving for a retirement together that may never come, so finding a lifestyle that squeezes in those bucket list items while still keeping the lights on at home is challenging. I live in 3-5 year increments. I don't expect more than that and I want to get my money's worth (or at least my insurance company's money's worth), but you can't just drop everything and run to the other side of the planet without means.

After treatment, I anticipate being very capable to enjoy activities like hiking, climbing, kayaking, skiing etc. That won't always be the case. There may come a time when fighting cancer is all I can do, and that will limit quality of life significantly. Carpe Diem is a mantra for a person fighting terminal illness. You never know when you are going to have a full head of hair, a working digestive system and the energy to paddle around an island. It's easy to kid yourself that you are "going back" to who you were before treatment. Not so. You always move forward in a new paradigm. I got a lot of great mileage after my first round with this disease. Lots of great adventures and we took advantage of every moment. #LivelikeTori has grown out of this "say yes" to everything that comes at you, and make it happen because tomorrow is uncertain. With limited financial resources, that's tough to do on a regular basis. Right now, Marek is managing his full-time job, taking care of me, taking care of our kids, fixing anything that breaks, driving kids to soccer practice and voice lessons, managing medical bills and insurance claims, keeping the lights on at home, and trying to see what his life looks like 5 years from now. AND in a karmic act of cruelty, his best friend is fighting Colon Cancer.  I think this is why adding three more cycles to my chemo regimen affected me so greatly. It's hard to watch those you love go through it on both ends.

I see good things ahead. I have a lot of high hopes that there is still a great deal of fun to be had and a life that I can enjoy. New precautions need to be taken. Not sure if I will get to go to the Amazon rainforest, or explore mountains in Krgystan because my doc thinks there are evil diseases I can catch in those places. I've already got an evil disease, so what's one more? It would be a shame though to waste all this hard chemo work on a stupid mosquito virus. My plea for Tahitian vacations continues but nobody likes me far away from big hospitals with smart doctors. We will need to be creative. Alaska to Tierra del Fuego will happen though. It's just a matter of timing.....

Until those days, we have work to do. Heads down, sticking to routines, staying healthy are all part of getting through stuff like this. The enormous amount of support coming our way makes doing the work much easier. Every day, I want to work for that happy ending for everyone, especially Marek.

There has been a little scuttlebutt about my upcoming birthday. This year, I turn 50. Five-O. Plans to go big have been tabled, primarily because I don't have the energy to remain standing for more than an hour or so. It's supposed to be a celebration and while it is, I have higher expectations than sitting in a corner watching my friends worry about me. I've worked hard for this birthday, and I fully intend to celebrate it rightly, not curled up wishing everyone would go home early.  Not my style.
So, I will be celebrating my birthday next summer when it's warm and we can fit more people at our house. It'll be the "50.5" and a celebration of epic proportions. When my actual my birthday comes, I will light a little candle and enjoy some espresso creme brûlée to honor the achievement. It will not go unnoticed. I am surrounded by the love of my girls and my husband, which is the greatest gift ever; to spend another birthday with them. I am so grateful to all of my friends who have earned this birthday celebration almost more than I have with bringing food, contacting me daily and sending good wishes. They have given from their hearts through this and we all deserve a little good news and some killer birthday treats. So save June for the 50.5. Maybe I'll grow a few hairs for the occasion and cannonballs in the pool will be a much higher possibility.

and thank you for reading.