Impact

As a nurse, you see people at their best and their very very worst. I have worked as a nurse for 12 years. It's not a lot of years really except I worked critical care and the burnout rate can be sort of high, so I still pat myself on the back for making it 12 years. The real heroes of the healthcare world are those nurses and doctors and ancillary staff who stick it out until retirement. Half of them are a little bit crazy. All of them are committed to what they do with very few exceptions. Almost everyone I have ever worked with is good at what they do, and the ones who weren't knew it and strived to be better. I have been both a nurse and a patient and seeing healthcare from both sides of the bedrail is an interesting experience. It's quite funny. Wearing my scrubs, I felt unworthy and never knowledgable enough to have the privilege of what I did. Wearing a patient gown, I herald these people as heroes. I never knew how much my patients needed me, needed a person who stood for them and did all the things they couldn't do in a time of crisis. I see now why many of my fellow colleagues are a little bit crazy. They know how to be there for everyone but themselves. Today, I am far more proud of the nurse I used to be knowing that I treated all of my patients with dignity and respect. And yet, I am still working on how to be there for myself.

About a million years ago, I had a patient who came in complaining about chest pain. We got him on the monitor and performed an EKG and sure enough, he was having a heart attack. Not a really big one, but enough to be drawing blood and starting our protocol for Acute Myocardial Infarction. I was not the primary registered nurse and I was always a little cautious when it came to Acute MI's because they could be unpredictable without all the information. We were scrambling to gather the information via Chest X-rays, Lab Tests, EKG's etc. Suddenly, our conscious, verbal, patient with a glasgow of 15 grabs my arm and says "Help me." I look up at the monitor and he goes into a heart rhythm that is incompatible with life. He is coding. I look at him and tell him I'm there and promised not to leave him as I grabbed the defibrillator pads. He got all the usual cardiac medications and a few shocks to the chest and survived, but he remained unconscious. He was transferred to the ICU where rockstars would put his ailing body back in balance. I will never forget the fear in his eyes or the weak squeeze of his hand. He coded multiple times in the ICU and was resuscitated by the best in the business. They transferred him to a higher tertiary care center where he recovered enough to go home. He then died 8 months later (he chose not to be further resuscitated). He had an ejection fraction (how much the heart could pump) of 20%. A normal heart pumps about 60-70% and less than 40% is an indication of heart failure. His cardiac muscle was finished.

I know how he felt. His face, his eyes, his pleading, he knew he was close to death, and I was all he had in that moment when he grabbed my arm. At the time, I had no idea the impact I had on the moment. I thought I was just another nurse... but not to him.
Getting chemo each week, I see nurses in a crazy different light. I see them both as people and virtual angels. I would also observe other patients in the infusion center looking up at their nurses with admiration in their eyes. Their nurse was their strength. It's as if the nurse represents your last ditch effort and connection to the planet.  I started to experience this global deifying phenomenon with friends who brought dinner, friends who drove me to San Francisco, friends who showed up at the most opportune moment.... with balloons and song. Just their presence had an impact on my mood and how I saw my future.

What I do with my life matters, to everybody. Not just in times of crisis, but times of friendship and gathering and sorrow. Everything ALL of us does has an impact on one another. Friends or not, family or not, strangers or not, we all affect the actions of this world, and we can't escape it. The choice to consider is what kind of impact do you wish to make? You're going to make an impact. Do you want to make a positive impact or a negative impact? Any efforts to manipulate that impact are yours to make,  and even the best intentions go south. Side note: If I tell you "I love you" it's not because I want to ruin your life or wreck your marriage. It's because I truly love and care for your well-being and that includes all those you love and hold dear.... just to be clear.  (yeah, there's a story. Someday I'll tell it.)

Our recent political environment has shown me that people are truly affected by the attack on their choices and how they respond to those around them, which in turn, makes an impact, and not always a positive one. I wondered what kind of impact I could make, being retired from nursing, but it wasn't about being a nurse at all. It was about being present. All you have to do is be present and suddenly, you just earned some hero points. It's so simple. Then there's these crazy people who buy a T-shirt with your name on it, or put a sticker on their car and turn you into a sobbing, grateful mess. Talk about impact. I'm going to make it out of this little Cancer hole I've jumped into and I will never forget a single person who impacted me in this fight, simply by being present. Determined, I will join the rest of you, having an impact, and I hope I have half as much positive impact as everyone has had on me.

However, I ask one thing of all of you. Never underestimate the impact you make on another human being. Your presence there at that moment feeds a HUGE bubble outside of what you think it does and your actions ripple through people like me. Then, and only then, people like me want to earn that presence, that kindness, that five minutes you took to make small talk at the ATM. I am amazed, still, that a kind word or action can turn into saving someone's life or making the end of one a little more peaceful. I am ever more amazed at how little it takes to make an impact on someone who is truly in need. The life you save may well be your own.