If Today was your Last Day

Today is my last day of being me, just as I am right now. Today there are no diagnoses, no treatment plans, no new agendas. Today, I ask myself all sorts of life-deafening questions because I want to know the answers before I see life through a different lens. Here's a list of today's burning questions:

• If you are pregnant, and driving by yourself, can you use the carpool lane? (2 or more persons.....)
• If you are a married,  regularly, heterosexual female (such as myself), and you have a sexual encounter with a lesbian, is that considered "infidelity?" Are the consequences the same? What if genders were reversed? 
• If you have cancer, and you go into space, do you die slower?
• Destiny/Fate? or Self-Determination?
• Is it really ALL fair in LOVE and WAR? Who draws the lines and where are they?
• Do you physically have to go through a worm hole to get to heaven? How does a soul get to it's final resting place if we start here on earth? Time/space continuum? Are we "Beamed" there?"Or is heaven a fabrication of a dying brain? 
• If you only had 24 hours left to live, what would you do?
• If you could relive ANY moment in your life, which one would it be and why?
• Should female survivors of breast cancer (post-mastectomy) be allowed to go topless in the same public places that men are allowed to go without their shirts? If no, why not?
• If someone were able to tell you the exact day and time of your death would you want to know? 
• Is it better to have loved and lost? or not to have loved at all? 
• If you had a chance to right every one of your wrongs, would you? 
• If you could do anything you wanted, knowing you would die the next day, would you do something that could potentially ruin one person's life while enhancing the life of another? Does one life = another? do they cancel each other out? 
• How much of yourself would you carve away to continue to live and what would you give up to continue? At what point do you throw in the towel? 
• Live your last day to the fullest and be cursed for all eternity by those you leave behind? Or live responsibly and thoughtfully and leave a legacy?
• Slowly deteriorate into an empty shell of a human being requiring others to care for you and compromising the happiness in their lives? or suicide? 
• If you know the world is going to end by atomic bomb, do you situate yourself close to the bomb or as far away as possible? 
• If you know you are going to die in X amount of time, do you still try to learn new things? Cram it all in? or drop and run?

Yeah, this is my day....Why? Well, I fear that tomorrow the answers will be different. Existentialism is an interesting concept. We make choices and share opinions based on today's status quo. Today, I'm fabulous. Tomorrow, I might be dying. That's the trouble with Cancer. You don't know it's got you until someone peeks in the box and tells you what's going on in there, which is generally characterized by a time and a place and a doctor who calls later to tell you the news.Tomorrow I will learn my fate around 8 or 9pm. Live or die? Fight or go down quick? To carve or not to carve? Not knowing is blissful, especially if you live your life as if every day were your last day on Earth. However, we all know that some things have dire and awful consequences for those left behind, and behaving responsibly and nobly may contribute to your remembrance. Information is power. Lack of information is also power.
One of my favorite sayings is "Well-behaved women don't make history." I'm far from well-behaved but I do try to avoid the nasty consequences of not behaving well. It also begs the question, "do you really want to make history?" or even better "Notorious or famous?" If you're dead, does it matter if you know you won't be around to witness the consequences?
I watched a movie this year called "Interstellar" with Matthew McConaughey and it twisted my little non-quantum physics-minded, pea brain. Relativity is a trippy concept. It makes me wonder about all the crazy rules of the universe and ultimately why does it matter if I rack up my credit cards, leaving a mess for my spouse, if I could feel awesome for one day before I take my last breath? It's something to remember me by.... a monthly check to pay off my last day? What better gift?
The reality of a cancer patient's situation is that you don't go from  a living, thriving, energetic, youthful spirit with great hair and great skin to dead in 24 hours. Instead, cancer whittles you away, slowly, over time, and each day, you lose something that means something to you such as your energy, your muscle, your memory, or the worst: your eyelashes. Last round, I was fine with being bald. I didn't mind that my fingernails were hideous or that going to the bathroom was a foul experience. I didn't mind that some days, I couldn't get off the floor or others, I couldn't eat or drink. What really got to me was when I lost my eyelashes. That was the straw. It was the difference between tolerance and despair. It was so superficial and so shallow and yet so relevant.  I have decided that if I do get a cancer diagnosis and I do decide to fight, I will go until my eyelashes fall out. Then, it's crazy town and watch out world because I am going to break every rule and leave my mark and probably lay waste to my civilities. Today, pray it's not Cancer. Tomorrow, see the world through different eyes.