Went to crazy town yesterday. Yep. Absolute, whack job, crazy town. I got completely caught up in the emotional roller coaster of my 30th reunion, reliving my high school memories, and facing the fact that my cancer may have returned. I didn't sleep a wink and the deprivation turned me inside out. Plus I watched "A Fault in Our Stars" for the umpteenth time. Can you say Mid-Life crisis? Crazy town.
I think I've managed to work through the idea that Cancer is going to knock on my door again, which inspires an air of desperation and a microscopic look at my everyday happiness. Hopefully today is not the day because I have all this other cool stuff going on including a reconnection with an old friend. As I updated my husband on his return home that I was currently off of my rocker, he laughed and reassured me that I was simply returning to normal.
My husband is an absolute gem. He is knowledgeable, witty and super funny.
It takes a very confident, well-adjusted person to trust and be vulnerable to the intricacies of love and life. I can't think of anyone I know who doesn't have a little trepidation of allowing their spouse to have lunch with their high school sweetheart, or even letting them go for a poker game at a friend's house or a trip to Baja with the boys. My husband is a true diamond in the rough. He understands that sometimes stories just have to unfold in order to get to the good stuff. Certainly he has boundaries and clarified those, but by trusting me to be an adult, and giving me the extra leash length to explore highly emotionally charged experiences, I am convinced that our marriage is rich with love and laughter because there are no dark places. I have witnessed anger, jealousy, indifference, defensiveness and malice in other couples and it makes me so sad. Empower people to make good choices and they will vitalize your life. For this reason, I tend to forget that there is any other way that works. I behave in an open and outward manner and on occasion, get a scolding because I was not sensitive to the insecurities of someone else. (I'M in trouble? deal with your shit people)
One of my favorite sayings is "Change the way you see things and the things around you change." True statement. A poignant observation of this is that we shape our experiences based on our context. At 16, I was exploring love, and the evolution of myself as a person. This could have gone horribly bad, or mind-numbingly good. At 16, you sort of ride the ride without thinking where the destination is. My daughters of middle school age constantly have to be reminded to bring dry clothes to a pool party because they don't think about what's going to happen AFTER they get out of the pool, the sun goes down and temperatures drop. I think we tend to behave this way until we've been burned by it enough times, that we actually change our behavior. However, you never get a second chance at a first impression. A first dance, first river trip, first love, has tremendous opportunity to leave a LASTING impression or in some cases, some life-altering psychology and a significant scar.
I am fortunate to have not had to walk the scarred path, despite the potential for absolute disaster which I chalk up to right place, right time. Ultimately, I chose my life partner. He is my soulmate and our amazing life is rooted in an accident. I get caught up in the gratitude and I'm sure people wonder why I have such a reverence for the people I love, but without their contribution, today's happiness would not be so pronounced. I see this now through experienced eyes. I see the substance of our choices that we make so nonchalantly and haphazardly at 16 and think about how many unseen bullets I managed to dodge or more appropriately articulated: whizzed by my head. How I see those days has changed from part of my past to a secure future, and an opportunity to guide my own daughters through the very scary waters of love, sex and friendship. I'm not taking any chances. I am not too proud to get on my knees and beg the universe that my girls meet the kinds of people that teach the same lessons, gently, without a lifetime of angst. I realize I have no part in this, but I guess sometimes we just have to let stories unfold to get to the good stuff.
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