"This thing all things devours; Birds beasts, trees, flowers; Gnaws iron, bites steel; Grinds hard stones to meal; Slays king, ruins town, and beats high mountain down."
Slays king. Having been active and healthy most of my life....well, except for the cancer and a few orthopedic mishaps, I've aged fairly well. I've got some healthy laugh lines and a few sun spots. I'm not particularly psyched about the jowls I've got going due to the unrelenting pull of gravity. Nor am I happy about the lack of energy due to low numbers of mitochondria. Still, I'm doing better than most. I attend corporate functions with my husband from time to time and meet people in their thirties that look older than half my friends from High School. The beatdown of time takes its toll but there's another offender that takes even more of a toll than time.
Discontent.
I see it in my friends faces. They've given in and given up. They've stopped wanting, stopped dreaming, and stopped planning their next adventure. They refuse to adapt. It is in this era of our late 40's, early 50's that we see changes. People move, change jobs, buy 2-seaters or see drastic changes in their relationships. It's the mid-life crisis. It's that time when we ask ourselves if we have arrived at the place we've been striving for through our 20's and 30's. We look at the rest of our lives under a microscope and visit our bucket list. Are we satisfied with what we've created for ourselves? Have we learned all we've set out to learn? Are we ready to go gently into that good night?
I, for one, am not. I still have to learn an instrument, explore my artistic side, and earn enough money to buy my mid-life crisis-mobile: a black Lamborghini. Or at least drive one. My bucket list is a little short, largely because I've been checking things off throughout my life. Most of the things on my list were travel items. South America, Southeast Asia, Australia, Europe, and Central America. Check. There were accomplishments such as college degrees, certifications, and savings accounts. Relationship goals of marriage and kids and a 20th wedding anniversary. I've had the good fortune to marry a couple of close friends which, while not on my bucket list, was a gift of experience. We put in a pool. This is more of my grandmother's dream but because she never got it, I decided I would make it my own. We've built a house from the ground up. Learned a language. Swam with dolphins. Rode Camels.
Most of what is left involves watching my kids grow. Graduations, grandkids and maybe a 50th wedding anniversary for my husband and I. May I be so lucky. I don't feel quite so desperate to squeeze it all in because since cancer knocked on my door, I've had a healthier respect for the here and now. I have no patience for discontent in my life. Discontent, fear, guilt, shame.....all wasted emotions that I have no tolerance for. A waste of spirit.
As we age, we deteriorate. We are asked to give up certain things. Recently, I've had to give up playing soccer and running because my knees and hips are so damaged from overuse (better to use 'em up than let 'em rust), they can't tolerate the impact and I can't tolerate the pain. However, rather than propping myself in front of the television, I've switched to my bicycle, walking up hill, and finding other ways to get that workout that feeds my soul. Not sure what I'm going to do when I lose that capability. I've been paying a lot more attention to adults in their 60's and 70's looking for the cliff notes on what's to come. I see a lot of these people having a blast traveling, chasing grandkids, retiring and ticking off bucket list items. "A body in motion stays in motion until another force acts upon it." (Newton's First Law) There's a light at the end of the tunnel. We just don't see it as our eyesight starts to fail.
I'm more compassionate and patient with those falling short of expectations because I assume that mid-life is making a contribution, specifically in the case of women going through menopause. I am already finished with menopause. It was not easy and took a lot less time than it takes regular women. Chemo throws you into it and the cancer meds you continue to take for ten years have side effects. I had my own struggles. For a few years I was sad that I no longer had those awesome hormones that drive a healthy sex life. I woke up in puddles of sweat at night. My joints hurt, and my body did not feel like my own. I had a lot of struggles because I wasn't sure if this was a permanent condition or not. That drove a fear that as I lose more and more of my capabilities, I will be far less able to carry out those things on my bucket list like skydiving, hang gliding or a flying suit. Now that I am through it, I feel like I have a second chance, a new lease on life which is exacerbated by beating cancer. The return of my sex drive has made a drastic impact on my mood although I'm still trying to figure out how it actually works. Perhaps another post. Now, many of my friends are starting the menopausal process and I can see the angst, fear and discontent that I once felt. It affects how we interact with one another especially since it wreaks havoc on emotions. It's hard for me to watch friends or their spouses go through it. If you oversimplify it, people just get mad at you.
"Relax, it's menopause."
"NO IT'S NOT! MY LIFE IS HELL!"
"Right. My bad." (w*h*a*t*e*v*e*r. See you in five years)
In this case, slays Queen, which in turn slays King. Time beats us all down and requires adaptations. Choose not to adapt and ye shall be slain.
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