Thoughts on Life

12 years of ER nursing is a drop in the bucket. Anyone who has been there that long and longer will tell you that this particular milestone is where you are just getting started. By this time, you are slightly jaded from too many methamphetamine users, or alcoholics who spit on you and call you a cold-hearted bitch. If you started out a Democrat, you were probably starting to swing to the right by now. Or if you started out a Republican, you were probably drifting left. At this point, you are the nurse wishing for a really good trauma to come in the door.....There are all sorts of characters in the ER and the most colorful of them are often the people you work with. I could write all day about my colleagues but the patients are why we work there. And the patients are diverse.....The ER is where you see all walks of life in their moment of crisis. Everyone's determination of crisis is different. From a hangnail and a toothache to a massive cardiac arrest, I have seen a lot of things walk through that front door, and the great irony is that I know I have not and will never see it all. The perk to this job is that you sort of get the cliff notes to life. Certain lifestyles beckon certain emerging physical conditions, like if you smoke all your life, you get a nasty case of emphysema, or if you drink everyday you can consider gastrointestinal bleeding or liver problems to be the means to your end. There is trauma, my personal favorite, most of which could be avoided, and probably the biggest attraction for ER nurses because it's so darn interesting and what we are trained for. Then, there are the social visits; Visits from patients that are simply lonely and need something to do on a Friday night. We see all sorts of patients from all walks of life in all sorts of situations and you can bet that many of us have asked ourselves the question, "what if it was me?"

It is about this time that I started wondering what I was going to die of. I was physically fit and no family history of heart disease so I was pretty sure I could rule the big one out. Darn. I liked the idea of going out fast. My parents were smokers and while I didn't smoke, I thought perhaps that a lung condition due to secondhand smoke might take me out. This was further considered with a post-pregnancy diagnosis of asthma. However, by comparison, it was not looking like this was to be my path. I don't drink very much so liver problems were probably out. That leaves, stroke, kidney failure (which is awful), or Cancer.

Ding Ding! We have a winner!

Well, sort of. One thing I have learned is that many Cancer patients do not die of cancer. They die of complications related to treatment. Infection is the worst of them and it is the one I worry about most. A case of bronchitis can lead to pneumonia fairly quickly and from there, it's a slippery slope. There are also clotting problems that can develop. After awhile, the body cannot produce platelets which causes the blood to clot and well, you get the picture. Unfortunately, there are far too many patients that simply die of being lonely. Cancer is a tough disease because it takes away your friends with Cancer and makes it hard to relate to friends without cancer. We see these folks in the ER a lot because the next best thing to a friend with cancer is a nurse who gets what you are going through and is not easily deterred by a bald head and tubes and wires coming out of your body. Mostly, these patients need to be fluffed. They need their medications sifted through and education on how best to take them. They need to know that there is someone listening and that in their darkest hour, they will not be left alone.

It is in these moments that I am reminded of how important we are to one another. Even total strangers can be there for each other. I believe we all have a purpose here and when we are satisfied that we have fulfilled that purpose, we are content to leave this world for the next journey, whatever that journey may be. It is not for me to say what that journey is but having met so many different kinds of people including murderers, domestic abusers, and the mentally ill, I truly believe that we are all going to a better place regardless of religion or politics. I am also convinced that almost none of us will arrive in a well-preserved body.

Perhaps I'm a bit cryptic. It should also be stated that I have seen amazing displays of the human spirit from patients, family members, doctors, clinical technicians, unit secretaries, paramedics, housekeeping staff, admitting clerks, hospital volunteers, and perfect strangers. I am always amazed at what one person will do for another in a moment of need. This is humanity at its finest moment. It is the basis of every miracle and the seed of hope. In the last two months, I have witnessed, first hand, the kindness of strangers and friends to whom I could never come close to returning the favor. From nourishing meals, and interesting headgear, to a 5 word text or an impromptu visit, the connection to other humans is vital to my personal survival. It's somewhat of an epiphane, (which makes me wonder about my personal psychology). Regardless, it's a step in the right direction.

Perhaps I have gone a little too far because I have fallen in love with everyone lately. Every hand-delivered yam, every heart shaped rock, every goofy sequined headband brought to my door fills me with intense emotion and love. I want to reach out and hug everybody, who lately seem to smell so good...weird. I want to buy the world a coke and keep it company. Peace, Love, Popsicles. I want a second chance to show the world that I am not the cold-hearted bitch that my father raised me to be but rather, the inspirational wife, mother, and friend that brings out the best in others. My journey appears to be just beginning. I might actually survive this and if so, I will be left to wonder how my life will end. Who knows? I might get hit by a bus tomorrow. Trauma....my favorite.